Hello all you beautiful souls in the Survivors' community. I must be 100% candorous, I had to take about a year and a half to get over post acute withdrawal syndrome, have therapy, have a little talk with Jesus, take a good,long look in the mirror, before I could return as a real asset to my fellow survivors'.Neverthelesss, IIIIMMMMM BBBAAAACK!!!! So we will now be picking up the real-life story of our adventurous heroine,ahem, me. Im doing very exciting work with the Birdsong Group which includes establishing infrastructure, reformatting treatment groups, and redoubling efforts to reach out to all those who so powerfully need support with issues of incest and early childhood trauma. In addition,(excited) I am now also working with an organization for male survivors', as this truly is a genderless issue. I encourage anyone who needs support in any area of their life within our community to reach out to me. The Birdsong Groups' meetings are still held at New York Academy of Medicine, 103rd St. And 5th Ave, NYC, every Thursday from 6pm to8pm and I am always in attendance to co-facilitate along with my colleague who is a womens' issues specialist. As for the male survivor there are very real and positive resources out there for you as well, so please don't hesitate to reply. One of my ultimate goals is to form a coalition of resource organizations that will take the gender out of this issue entirely....On a personal note, life has never felt so embracing nor have I ever known the joys of clarity as I now do.(see prior postings) so never lose hope.......... Love and Light,
Celeste

. . . and we are all working hard to better and expand The Birdsong Organization and make it better that ever. Please stay tuned for further details.

Remember ladies, TOGETHER WE ARE STRONG! I really look forward to many upcoming exciting and productive months with all of you at Birdsong.

Sincerely,
Celeste Patton

What Are The Symptoms of Post Acute Withdrawal Syndrome?

While in active addiction the addict/alcoholic experiences a disruption to normal brain activity which impairs clear thinking and emotion expression. Additionally, short-term memory loss, lack of coordination, sleep disturbances and stress are all part of PAWS and can make the recovery process sometimes long and difficult.

As a result of continued abuse of drugs and/or alcohol the brain needs to make an adjustment in order to 'right itself' as neurotransmitters return to normalcy and acclimate to a life without mood altering chemicals. This sometime takes time and that is where post acute withdrawal symptoms come in, they are like lingering withdrawal...........

Oh,I forgot to mention that you sleep four hours a night and have highs and lows that mimic bipolarity...... Can't handle the slightest daily stressers without acting crazy as the Mad Hatter! Oh, yes and I'm hypersexual, frustrated and generally as lovable and cuddly as a hyena when feeding on a carcass.While Im on this particular insomnia induced rant, I thought things were going to be BETTER when I stopped using drugs and where in hell did all my friends and support system wander off to? (Im sure it has nothing to do with my attitude)In any event, Ive always had the written word as my cloak when the world turned cold, so here I go again....

Four a.m. and again my mind starts to race, my fatigued body cannot keep up this pace
Once again my frantic mind accesses every possible file, overloading my hard drive and opening only the folders most vile
I thought this nightmare Id left behind, but fear of its return is constant in my mind
I cry and pray till the morning light, then paint on a pretty face and suddenly all is right
I turn on the music with a giggle and start to dance, then realize Im manic again and don't stand a chance
Im on a roller coaster thats out of control, my body grows limper with each tumble and roll
This ride is controlled by a madman without ability or inclination to steer
And did I mention Dr.s say this will last six months to a year?

HERES MY LIFE, WELCOME TO IT......

Fighting Demons Within
(Written while struggling to stop self-medicating anxiety attacks, flashbacks, etc.)


If God Is always listening, and Angels truly do abound;
Then why is my lifes' blood glistening, pooled crimson upon the ground;
If hope really does spring eternal and dreams do come true;
Then what has hollowed out this phantom Ive become that the living look straight through;
And if good is truly stronger than evil and Gods' will truly be done, then why oh why does this child of God cry each day at the setting of the sun;
It's because demons faceless and without number wait just outside my doors;
Feeding on fear and self-loathing they become fat quickly on abandoned whores;
Their claws dipped in venom, seek out my most delicious parts;
Their favored delicacies being abandoned dreams and hopeless broken hearts;
I fight with the weapons of knowlegde and truth, holding my shield of self-empowerment high;
And after decades of being fodder for these vicious beasts, I now raaise my head in battle cry;
I SAW YOU KILL MY MOTHER! YOU LAID WASTE TO MY FAMILY WITH THE SWING OF ONE POWERFUL CLAW;
And for years I've ran in terror of you, stricken paralyzed with fear and awe;
MURDERER! DEMON! BASTARD! I won't let you take another day, I'll fight you tooth and nail with every weapon along the way;
Already these monsters seemed to lose power, without my fear to feed on I think they might die;
And although I know, Ive not yet bested this foe, I have reinforcements standing by;
I know this is a lifelong fight, re-convening each and every night, for now my resolve makes me strong;
And though my wounds may still bleed, I won't let these mental monsters succeed in silencing this one little birds song;

I haved faced, as we all have, the internalization of the betrayal of those we were taught to trust. The emotional and quality of life issues we face, most of us well into adulthood, are devastating. However in order to learn to fight these metaphorical demons we must strengthen ourselves with knowledge of the symptoms of PTSD (post traumatic stress disorder) and the support of others who we need not fear shame or judgementalism. I encourage anyone still suffering in silence to reach out to The Birdsong Organization for help and hope. The national hotline is 1 888 6 SURVIVOR. If you are not in the NYC area an appropriate refferal will be made for you in your area, you are not alone.

Love and Light,
Celeste

I hurry on as the icy nails of an arctic wind rips at my flesh. I seem to vibrate with the icy cold which now seems to emanate from my very bones.

Tears freeze on my cheek as I yearn for even a moments rest, even the most incidental reprieve from this bitter, bitter place but I know I must trudge on for I am afraid I'll be found here, a once living statue, frozen in this agonizingly cold moment in time. I call out in terror but there is no one to hear me, no help will come. I am in the coldest place on Earth, Heroin Withdrawal . . . .

I have written before about my struggles with self-victimizing behavior in the form of a long term addiction. I am pleased to announce that I am, today, clean and sober.

However, the correlation between female survivors of early childhood trauma and females with addiction issues is incredibly high.

To expect a survivor of trauma who is self-medicating her PTSD symptoms to stop using drugs without first treating her trauma is VERY much like expecting a person to discard his crutches when his legs are still broken --- ain't gonna happen . . . .

However, with the correct treatment there is hope.

Do not hesitate to contact The Birdsong Organization for support and a treatment center in your area. Keep your heads up sister-survivors, fellow recovering addicts and those still struggling with the symptoms of their PTSD. We are here to help, don't hesitate to make that call or email.

Have a blessed day,
Celeste

Stopping by Woods on a Snowy Evening
by Robert Frost

Whose woods these are I think I know.
His house is in the village, though;
He will not see me stopping here
To watch his woods fill up with snow.
My little horse must think it queer
To stop without a farmhouse near
Between the woods and frozen lake
The darkest evening of the year.

He gives his harness bells a shake
To ask if there is some mistake.
The only other sound's the sweep
Of easy wind and downy flake.
The woods are lovely, dark and deep,
But I have promises to keep,
And miles to go before I sleep,
And miles to go before I sleep.

Hello, Birdsong Ladies!

We here at Birdsong want to take a brief moment to wish you and your loved ones a happy holiday season!

As many of you know this is a very exciting time for our organization as we are finishing our certifications in Albany and are readying ourselves to begin fundraising!! In addition, we are taking this as an opportunity to announce some very exciting changes in the format of our weekly meetings.

( please click here read more about our December Meeting Schedule and Topics )

I ache for focus . . . . I'm always proud of our weekly meetings and the healing I am blessed to be a part of there.

My therapy is going well and I'm in the last 8 weeks of a slow twelve month taper from the opiate replacement medication Methadone. Im proud, but frustrated and scared.

Intellectually I know exactly what is occurring, during long term opiate addiction the brains endorphin receptors having been flooded with far more feel good chemicals than it was ever meant to hold, shut down and they don't turn back on when you stop using this is what creates withdrawal.

This brain chemistry reboot can take a very long time during which time the individual (that would be me) has a drop in serotonin and often feels malaise, depression, etc. until the brain resets itself which it can USUALLY do. So, I know why I feel not so great . . . .

In addition, I have some of the most attractive options that life has yet brought to me. A wonderful man, potentially marriage, a beautiful home, a career helping others with my background, so many good things and you know what Ive always done with good things, right?

Well, I am a self-victimizer . . . .

But PEOPLE CAN CHANGE, we're designed for adaptability. So, will the lovable and wiley Celeste overcome her past and claim the future she so richly deserves or will the evil and insidious demons of chaos and self-doubt claim her forever?

Stay tuned in for your next installment of, Recycling Paper Dolls!

The past weeks have certainly been some of the most difficult since I've begun recovery from my addiction . . . . .

I have nine months clean and recovering. Needless to say I've had to work very hard to implement changes in every facet of my life. I scarcely know where to begin. There are many, many positive changes and accomplishments in my recovery over the past nine months and I am truly grateful for the quality of life I enjoy today.

That said, I have had significant malaise and withdrawals as my treatment program slowly weans me off of the last of the opiate replacement medication (Methadone) and my anxiety levels have risen considerably.

I had always suffered anxiety attacks for which I had taken many medications and street drugs and which I now manage with meditation and holistics.)I try to simply remind myself of the long term goal that I am working towards and this helps to reinforce my boundaries.

I have felt increasingly frustrated as of late, partially because of the realization of just how much time and work it will take to accomplish many of my personal and professional goals. Not at all convenient since I want them, uhm, yesterday . . . . . .

I always suffer when I lack a defined goal and right now is such a transitional stage in my life its difficult to focus on one clearly defined brass ring. I know my need to share my writings and not having yet found the forum to do so has been eating away at me. I have began to seethe with my unspent creative energy. Energies meant to be born, not warehoused turn from creative to confounding, leaving me tormented and isolated. I have therefore made a commitment to myself to share my writings in a variety of ways and this (of course) is one.

As I move forward in my struggle to find this woman in my minds eye, this woman I have envisioned so long becoming, perhaps you will see something of you within my story, a bit of my struggle within your own spirit, a nugget of strength in another's will to survive and then the warmth of my healing has comforted another.